Before attending formation in MAG+S Timor-Leste, I considered myself a problem to society. I took refuge in darkness and saw life as nothing more than a curse. I felt the heaviness of darkness and how it steered my life into the abyss. Lost, with nobody to reach, I felt the shallowness of my spirituality.
I cried out, “God, if you truly love me, take me with you. End this life of mine.” His answer was not what I expected. He gave me someone who listened to all my burdens, someone who shone a little light into the darkness where I resided. That someone was a good friend of mine who brought consolation in my times of desolation.
So, I chose to keep living to keep doing spontaneous prayer and to lay every burden I faced before God in prayer. Later in life, I found a job; it brought me happiness, but I still struggled with my spirituality. I reflected on how I was mentally unstable, lacked patience, and had no depth in my relationship with God. I made plans to flourish in what I lacked. The solution that came to mind was to involve myself in a Catholic community, where I could seek help.
One night, while watching the news, they talked about a community called MAG+S and how it gathers youths to deepen their relationship with God. Not long after, I submitted my application to join it, which led to an interview, and that interview led to me becoming a participant in their program.
On the first day, I didn’t know what to do. It was an unfamiliar environment. My expectation was that we were only there to pray and that was it. But during the input, they introduced *EXORA*, a variety of Ignatian prayer exercises, and instantly I fell in love with MAG+S. It provided guidance, something I needed to get out of the darkness. A bright light.
They divided us into groups, and each group had their personal project. Mine was to read the Holy Bible every day. There was a scripture passage that resonated deeply with me, Matthew 6:5-15, which talks about how to pray and who to pray to—Our Father!
I resonated deeply with it because I remembered praying when I thought there was no hope.
Participating in EMA 1 through 11, with every step, it sharpened my consciousness, and I reflected on my bad habits and my desire to be better. (EMA is Encontro MAG+S in Portuguese. MAG+S Session in English).
During EMA 12, which involves an Ignatian Retreat, I didn’t know what to do there, because it was my first time experiencing a silent retreat. I was clueless, but I prayed, “God, allow me to enter these prayers in depth.”
In the first session, Unconditional Love, I found it very hard to contemplate and meditate on it because I was unsure of what to do. The second session, My Sins, brought great desolation as I reflected on my sins. It made it difficult for me to contemplate because I was filled with so much guilt. After praying the Rosary, I found peace. But I was still conflicted, so I sought the retreat priest for help. I shared my thoughts, and after that, I made my confession, and it liberated me from my desolated state.
In another session, I wanted to put myself in the place of Jesus; to understand how painful it was to be pierced by a spear. But my contemplation led me to be the man who threw the rock at Jesus. During the colloquy, I asked Mary, and she answered, “The rock you threw represented the sins you committed.” It brought me to tears.
On the third night, I woke up in the middle of the night, around 3 a.m. I wanted to converse with Jesus, so I meditated and contemplated on that. I remembered a fellow participant telling me, “If you want to talk to Jesus, don’t forget to ask the Holy Spirit to guide you.” And so, I did.
I found myself being questioned by Jesus: “Are you okay?”
I simply answered, “Yes, I eat well and sleep well.”
I was in shock because I didn’t know why I answered that way. I cried, wanting to talk more, but in the emotional state I was in, it was difficult to continue. So, I journaled the experience.
I sought more answers, and during a colloquy prayer, I asked God the Father why He asked such a question when it should have been me asking if He was okay. The answer brought me to tears again. God the Father replied, “Because of love.”
I was grateful, because even though my life was stained with problems caused by my own hands, God continued to call me and it was through MAG+S that I was healed and cleansed of the stains from my hands, finding the change I sought.
I remembered asking, “God, if you truly love me, take me with you.” But instead of ending my life, He continued it. He brought me closer to Him and with that came peace and consolation.
Written by Ângelo Castro Barreto, MAG+Ser Timor-Leste